So, You Want to Try Polyamory? Here's What to Consider
When it comes to relationships, our society overwhelmingly promotes monogamy as the gold standard. From movies and songs to books and family traditions, we’re taught that “true love” means finding one person to meet all our emotional, sexual, and relational needs. But this one-size-fits-all model doesn’t work for everyone.
For some, the idea of polyamory—having multiple consensual and ethical romantic relationships—offers a more authentic and fulfilling alternative. However, since monogamy is deeply ingrained in our cultural framework, stepping into polyamory can feel like walking into uncharted territory without a map.
And to make things even more complicated, there are a lot of myths about polyamory that can scare people off before they even start. Let’s debunk three of the biggest myths about polyamory so you can approach it with more clarity and confidence:
Myth 1: Polyamory Is Doomed to Fail
Many people assume that polyamory is just a recipe for heartbreak. They’ll say things like, “You will never find happiness and it is never going to work!”
The Truth: Polyamory isn’t doomed to fail—people fail at polyamory because they don’t know what they’re doing. Our society doesn’t teach us how to navigate multiple relationships, so many people jump in unprepared. They skip over essential steps like self-reflection, communication, and education, which sets them up for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
Toxic gender roles and societal messages about relationships only add to the challenges. For instance, men may feel entitled to explore non-monogamy without respecting their partner’s boundaries, while women might feel pressured to suppress jealousy or prioritize others’ happiness over their own. These cultural scripts can derail polyamorous relationships if left unchecked.
Success in polyamory isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about having the tools to work through it. With the right resources, support systems, and mindset, polyamorous relationships can thrive just as much as monogamous ones.
Myth 2: You Can’t Have Any Rules
Some people think polyamory means throwing out all boundaries and “letting people do whatever they want.” Others believe that having rules makes you insecure or controlling.
The Truth: Polyamory doesn’t come with a built-in rulebook like monogamy does. In traditional monogamous relationships, rules like exclusivity, emotional availability, and communication expectations are often implied or socially reinforced. In polyamory, you have to build your own framework.
Creating rules isn’t about controlling others—it’s about navigating uncertainty, managing anxiety, and building security. Whether you’re exploring traditional polyamory, an open relationship, or swinging, having clear agreements can help everyone feel safe and respected.
Rules might include things like scheduling time with each partner, setting boundaries around sexual health, or deciding how much to share about other relationships. Far from being a weakness, creating and revisiting these agreements is a sign of emotional maturity and care for everyone involved.
Myth 3: Compersion Is Required
Compersion is often described as the opposite of jealousy—it’s the warm, fuzzy feeling of joy you experience when your partner is happy in another relationship. While compersion can be a wonderful emotion, there’s a misconception that it’s a requirement for polyamory to “work.”
The Truth: Compersion is not a prerequisite for successful polyamory. Not everyone feels compersion, and that’s okay. For many, polyamory is less about feeling ecstatic for their partner’s other relationships and more about managing their own feelings—whether that’s jealousy, insecurity, or even indifference.
Polyamory doesn’t require you to bypass your emotions or fake happiness. It’s about finding tools and strategies to work through challenges so that everyone involved feels valued and respected. You can have a thriving polyamorous relationship without ever experiencing compression.
Three Questions to Consider Before Starting Polyamory
Now that we’ve cleared up some misconceptions, it’s time to reflect on whether polyamory is right for you. Here are three essential questions to guide your exploration:
1. What Is Your Reasoning?
Why are you interested in polyamory? Is it because you feel unfulfilled in your current relationship? Are you drawn to the idea of exploring non-monogamy? Are you seeking deeper connections or a new spark in your love life?
Understanding your reasoning is essential because it acts as your anchor. Polyamory can be rewarding, but it’s not without challenges. When unexpected obstacles arise, having clarity on why you chose this path can help you navigate them.
Take time to reflect honestly on your motivations. Are they rooted in personal growth and authenticity, or are they a way to avoid addressing issues in your current relationship? Your reasoning matters, as it will shape the framework for how you approach polyamory.
2. How Do You Plan to Navigate Current and Future Relationships?
Polyamory doesn’t happen in a vacuum—it involves real people, emotions, and conversations. If you’re currently in a relationship, how do you plan to discuss your desire for polyamory with your partner? What boundaries, agreements, or structures might you both need to explore?
If you’re single, consider how you’ll communicate your polyamorous intentions with potential partners. Transparency is crucial. You want to ensure that everyone involved has a clear understanding of your goals and values.
There are countless resources available—books, podcasts, and even influencers—who can provide guidance on navigating these conversations. Start exploring what resonates with you and helps you develop the skills needed to approach relationships ethically and compassionately.
3. What Is Your Relationship with Jealousy?
Jealousy is often seen as the “elephant in the room” when discussing polyamory. And guess what? It’s normal. Jealousy is a natural emotion that can arise even in the healthiest relationships. The key is understanding how you’ll handle it when it shows up.
Start by reflecting on your own triggers and reactions. What situations tend to make you feel jealous? How can you express those feelings in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict?
Many polyamorous individuals develop tools to manage jealousy, such as practicing self-soothing techniques, communicating openly with partners, and reframing jealousy as an opportunity to grow. Building a healthy relationship with jealousy will be one of the most important skills on your polyamory journey.
Final Thoughts
Polyamory offers a beautiful and complex way to approach love and relationships, but it requires intention, communication, and self-awareness. By addressing myths, educating yourself, and reflecting on your motivations, you can set yourself up for success.
Remember, there’s no single “right” way to do polyamory. It’s about finding what works for you and the people you care about. With the right mindset and resources, polyamory can be a transformative journey of growth, connection, and love.
Resources to Help You Get Started:
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
Podcasts: Multiamory, Practicing Polyamory, Non-Monogamy Help
The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix
