The Complexity of Desire: Spontaneous vs Responsive
Desire is a fascinating and complex part of human sexuality. It can show up in different ways, and understanding these variations can really enhance our relationships and sexual health. Today, we’re diving into two main types of desire: responsive desire and spontaneous desire. By exploring these concepts and referencing the insights of experts like Emily Nagoski and Rosemary Basson, we can better understand how desire works and how it affects our lives.
Spontaneous Desire: The Spark That Ignites
Let’s start with spontaneous desire. This is probably what most people think of when they hear the word "desire." It’s that sudden, out-of-nowhere urge to get intimate. Picture it like a lightning bolt—quick, intense, and seemingly random.
Immediate and unprovoked: Spontaneous desire can pop up without any specific trigger or context. You could be doing something completely unrelated, and suddenly, bam—you’re in the mood.
Physiological response: This type of desire often comes with a quick physical response, like a racing heart or immediate arousal.
Frequency: Some people experience spontaneous desire a lot, while others might not. It can also change over time.
Movies and TV shows often highlight spontaneous desire as the "norm," which can make those who don’t feel it as often wonder if something’s wrong with them. Spoiler alert: there’s nothing wrong with you.
Responsive Desire: The Flame That Grows
Now, let’s talk about responsive desire. This type of desire is more about reacting to a sexual stimulus or a romantic setting. It’s not as immediate as spontaneous desire, but that doesn’t make it any less valid.
Contextual: Responsive desire builds in response to certain conditions—like a romantic dinner, a loving touch, or even a meaningful conversation.
Gradual: Unlike spontaneous desire, which can hit you out of nowhere, responsive desire takes its time to develop.
Commonality: Many people, especially women, experience responsive desire more frequently than spontaneous desire.
Responsive desire is just as normal and important as spontaneous desire. It highlights the need for the right context and emotional connection to get things going.
The Contributions of Emily Nagoski and Rosemary Basson
To really understand these types of desire, we can look to the work of Emily Nagoski and Rosemary Basson.
Emily Nagoski, in her awesome book "Come As You Are," explains that many women don’t experience spontaneous desire as often as men. But that doesn’t mean their sexuality is any less vibrant or fulfilling. She highlights that responsive desire is completely legitimate and underscores the importance of understanding and appreciating this in ourselves and our partners.
Rosemary Basson introduced a game-changing "circular model" of sexual response, moving away from the old linear model. Basson's model shows that desire often follows arousal, especially in women. This model helps explain why some people might not feel desire until they’re already being intimate. Her work validates the experiences of those with responsive desire, advocating for a broader and more inclusive understanding of sexual health.
How These Types of Desire Affect Relationships
Knowing that desire can show up in different ways is crucial for healthy relationships. Here’s how understanding spontaneous and responsive desire can make a difference:
Communication: When you understand your own and your partner’s desire patterns, you can talk more openly about your needs and expectations. This leads to fewer misunderstandings and more satisfaction.
Expectations: Realizing that spontaneous desire isn’t the only way to feel sexual can help you set more realistic expectations for your relationship, fostering patience and empathy.
Intimacy: Recognizing responsive desire can encourage you to create environments that nurture intimacy and connection, which can enhance sexual desire and satisfaction.
How Couples Can Practice Having Conversations About Desire
Conversations about desire are crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially when partners may experience different types of desire. Here’s a simple guide to having these conversations:
Set aside time: Choose a relaxed, private time when both of you are not distracted or stressed. This sets the stage for open and honest communication.
Start with positivity: Begin the conversation on a positive note. For instance, you could start by sharing something you appreciate about your partner or your relationship.
Use "I" statements: Talk about your own experiences and feelings rather than making assumptions about your partner's intentions or desires. Say things like "I feel…" or "I would like…" instead of "You never…" or "You always…".
Be curious: Ask open-ended questions about how your partner experiences desire. For example, "How do you usually feel when you think about being intimate?" or "What helps you feel more connected and open?"
Listen actively: Really listen to what your partner is saying without planning your response. This shows that you value their feelings and perspectives.
Express understanding and support: Acknowledge the differences and express willingness to work together to meet each other’s needs.
Conclusion
Desire isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. By understanding the differences between responsive and spontaneous desire, we can foster healthier and more satisfying sexual relationships. Embracing the full spectrum of desire allows for a more nuanced and compassionate approach to sexual health and intimacy. Whether your desire is a quick spark or a slow-growing flame, both are valid and worth celebrating.
